BE the change

In my senior year of high school, the senior class had to pick a quote to put in the yearbook underneath your photograph. It's an assignment that some take seriously, some view as an opportunity to be outlandish and others just refuse to submit anything. I was one who, in being someone who collected quotes, looked forward to this task for my entire senior year. The quote i picked is one I remember wanting to use for months, but where I found it, I cannot remember. It is a simple quote, one that many have probably heard, but is one that has stuck with me through now into my priesthood. The quote is:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

~Mahatma Gandhi 

I always envisioned myself being this renegade, this crusader who valiantly saved the world from every evil, war, pestilence and corrupt ideology - I wanted to embody that change to the point of affecting every aspect of the globe. These were high expectations, I knew, but I was able to see so many problems in the world and I intuitively knew solutions to all of them. There was almost nothing I didn't have a cure for or a method to get to the utopia we all yearn for. This yearning, this desire, came along with me into the priesthood.

All through the seminary, in varying degrees over time, being this salvific change was always on my mind and in my heart. Over the years of seminary and formation, it got tempered, but never left. As the days got closer and closer to priesthood, I began to see my desire to be the change I wished to see in the  world coming closer to fruition. 

I dont want you to get the wrong impression that I answered the call to the priesthood to change the world into my utopia, not even close. The priesthood is a vocation a man is called to by God and over years of formation and discernment he comes to say Yes to laying his self down for the love of the Church (to put it very simply). But there was always a little bit of "super hero"mentality that told me that perhaps you could "do" more when you're a priest. 

Being a priest now for just shy of 4 months, I see just how naive I was in interpreting Gandhi's words. 

Almost everyday now, as a priest, I am faced with a situation or scenario where I simply do not know what to do or how to solve the problems presented to me. I know what I want and what direction people should go in to solve the issues life has thrown at them, but how to do that, I don't always know. 

I want to solve everybody's problems, heal all their wounds, make all their demons go away, get them to good health - I want to be the one to give them the change they desire AND that is where I went wrong with that quote.

The sacrament of Orders gives a man a phenomenal amount of grace to live out this vocation (this is a topic too large for right now) and changes his very soul - BUT it doesn't make him Thor! As much as a man wants to DO something, he is called to BE CHRIST! 

Nothing you do as a priest, you do as yourself - it is a total unification to Christ and a total self gift to your love, your bride, the Church. When someone comes to the priest, they are coming to Christ. That is such an easy thing to say, but perhaps the biggest challenge -at least for me - of the priesthood. 

So how do I "be the change" I wish to see in the world? I simply have to be Christ. That can't be an excuse for laziness or passivity, it has to be a call to action - an action of the presence of Christ. The change I've been called to give is not the product of my physical skills, but that of my ontological change! The world will not and cannot be changed without Christ - period, end of the debate. No ideology or party or man can bring true change to the world - the change that satiates the desires of our souls - but the presence of God. Never has this been made clearer to me since becoming a priest.

So can priests not bring about change in the world? They most definitely can, but not in some Marvel Comic type of way. As a priest, when people come to you looking for health of mind, body and soul, they asking God to come to them, let them know they are loved and precious, let them know that they are not abandoned and that with Christ they will conquer anything. 

It is not my elbow grease, but my presence - my BEing that brings about that Change. The ministry of presence is perhaps the best agent for change. In bringing that presence of Christ out into the world, to people in despair, does the world slowly begin to change and turn towards God. The change I want in the world is Christ. It is ultimately for Christ to reign in the hearts of every man woman. It is for everyone to come to feel the beating of the heart of God. I cant DO this, but I can BE and stand witness to that change. I may not be able to cure the physical ailment, but I can show them Christ who desires to go through this pain with them. 

It is hard to internalize and live - it probably will take a lifetime to begin to fully understand. But, there has been nothing more beautiful and awesome than to be with people in their darkest and most vulnerable moments and be able to help them attain that change they desire - help them to see and know the love of God. 

A month and some days

I have been a priest now for over a month, and though that doesn't sound too spectacular, it has afforded me opportunities I've waited a lifetime to experience.

Mass


I am tempted to spew out a JBC style commentary on every liturgy I've celebrated and talk through all my thoughts, fears, reactions, feelings and bewilderments in celebrating the liturgy for they are numerous and varied. I will say though that many years of discernment and 8 years of seminary and all that it entailed was worth just one mass!

I have to admit that I haven't been able to internalize what I am 'supposed' to be feeling when I am celebrating mass. I felt incredibly out of place the first few weeks - that is becoming less so now now that I am getting into a routine at the parish. It's a funny thing: having the privilege to celebrate the mass is something I have been preparing for for many years, but to actually do it you see that it is something that one can never be fully prepared for. You prepare for the mechanics of it, you discern if you are called to the altar in that capacity, but you cannot prepare for the internal workings of the Spirit. To consecrate bread and wine so that is become the BODY AND BLOOD OF GOD is too great to "prepare for". I think that every day and every mass will unfold for me the reality that I am participating in and the sacrifice I am offering.

That being said, the liturgy- the mass - has a whole new and dynamic meaning for me now and my participation has changed, not only on the level of the obvious, but internally. I "feel" closer to what is going on and I can sense the reality of it all a little bit more - it is very REAL for me now in a way that perhaps was hidden from me before. In reflecting on this only a little, I don't think that you need to be ordained a priest to have your spiritual senses heightened to what is going on in the mass and to become more engaged in it on all levels. I really want to help my people experience the depths and beauties of this most awesome reality - the mass!

Confession


"Why me?"

That's all I can say. God has chosen me, a sinner, to be His priest and be a vessel of His Mercy and Love in the sacrament of penance. When the faithful come to the sacrament, they are not coming to talk to "Fr so-and-so", they are coming to talk to Christ. They need Christ to forgive them of their sins and to come back into a relationship with God characterized by mercy. It is nothing about me that has brought them to the sacrament for it is not ME forgiving them, but God through ME - powerful and mind-blowing!

This has been - second only to the mass - the greatest joy of mine these past few weeks of priesthood. This is where I the priest have an opportunity to intimately touch the wounded-ness of individuals and let the loving mercy of God touch their hearts and bring Life back into their souls.

Wow!

In general


"It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you". These words of Christ and the words of the God to Jeremiah "Before I formed you in to womb, I knew you... a prophet to the nations, I dedicated you" have been close to my heart recently. This may be more characteristic of the diocesan priesthood than religious priests, but I was ordained and sent to a parish to work. I am finding it very easy to think to myself "what can I do" "how can I make MY mark" I and ME has been punctuating my mind a lot and I need to draw my thoughts back to the beautiful words of scripture and remind myself that I am not in this for myself. I have been ordained to be a priest of Jesus Christ and thus I need to be the priest Jesus wants me to be, not the most successful on Brandon may want to be.

I am experiencing the beautiful and rich joys of the priesthood: celebrating mass, hearing confessions, visiting the hospital, anointing the sick, praying with the dying, visiting the homebound, being a fatherly figure to a parish and being  and bringing a unique presence of God in the midst of a community. I am also experiencing the challenges: how do I plug myself into a community, what does it mean to be a priest, how do I live this out, what am I supposed to be doing,  am I being a priest for Brandon or for Christ, how do I give myself totally over to this vocation and yet not burn out???

This is an amazing vocation and an amazingly complicated vocation (as they all are). I am very young in the priesthood, but I would have to say that it has all been worth it for even just one day of it!

I am a priest!

I haven't written on here for a month.

In that time I was in the midst of an avalanche of details to plan for my ordination which was on June 8th. The ordination weekend consisted of a couple liturgies, receptions and many people to see and talk to. After that weekend I spent the week at home celebrating mass at various churches around town and hanging out with family and friends before heading down to my deacon assignment and now priestly assignment for a mass of thanksgiving and reception. This past week I was on our diocesan priest convocation for some time for fraternity, prayer, conferences and relaxation. This weekend I am heading to a parish that prayerfully supported me as a seminarian for the weekend masses.

It has been a whirlwind of excitement, prayer and awe!

I start at my assignment at the end of next week, so hopefully I will be settled in soon and can get back to writing the blog. I have actually had a fast from most technology - I haven't really been on Twitter or Facebook or the internet at all for the past month. In some ways, it is kind of refreshing...

I hope to return with regular posts very soon

Please keep me and all priests in your prayers

Looking back...

This is my final week in the seminary.

In a way it is a time for rejoicing and celebration for I had completed this assignment, this phase of my life. At the same time, it incites a lot of self-reflection and examination on the past 8 years of my life.

I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to experience phenomenal opportunities and meet some extraordinary people. I have had the opportunity to minister on an Indian reservation in SD, work in a soup kitchen in the heart of the Bronx. I have been assigned to two hospitals, two nursing homes, two youth programs, and a mental hospital as apostolic ministries. I have had the opportunity to go on pilgrimage to NY to be with the pope on his US visit and to Rome where I had the opportunity of being an acolyte at mass with him in St Peter's. I had the opportunity to not only go to Rome, but to Ars where I went to confession in the confessional of St John Vianney, followed by my acolyte installation at the tomb of St Vincent de Paul in Paris and serving mass in Notre Dame Cathedral.

Then there have been the innumerable day-to-day encounters and experiences that are the brick and mortar to the whole edifice of the seminary experience.

I have met some outstanding individuals - fellow students, priests, laity - who have impacted my life in ways many of them will never know and who some have become lifelong friends.

The formation process is so massive and weaves itself into every dimension of the man who goes through it. To synthesize and do a total reflection on it as a whole is a near impossible task for every aspect of your life and faith is affected by the experience. But I want o give a few thoughts on the spiritual and vocational growth I've experienced over the last 8 years.

Firstly, the sense I had of who God was when I first began and the sense of God now is miles deeper. My faith formation growing up was largely rooted in my 12 years of Catholic education and going to church on most Sundays - I was left with many more questions and vague notions of God than I would have preferred. It was in the process of these past years that I have taken ownership of, not only my knowledge of God, but my relationship with Him, and that is the most important element. I entered seminary with a feeling and a desire to discover what the priesthood meant while believing I had a grasp on God, but 8 years later I realize that I was very young and unspecific in my faith and didn't know a lot about what it meant to truly know God.

Secondly, it is the relationship with God that has come to define me. I am in no way holy and saintly, but I work on and desire a relationship with God so as to have everything about me reflect in that relationship. In all my weaknesses and struggles and challenges that I face in myself and in this vocation, I (try to) recognize them in the context of enduring it with God. God is not an idea that I can pray to in time of need, but an intimate friend whom I converse with all the time, any place and anywhere. It is that constant awareness of being in the presence of and in relationship with God that has truly been the most distinguishable touchstone of growth for me.

Thirdly, it is the overall sense and understanding of prayer and how powerful and effective it can be in our personal lives, but in the lives of those around us. It think this flows from the previous two points, but if you know what it means to know and you build a relationship with that person, then communication becomes enriched, deeper and more meaningful. The same goes with God. Even though we can't communicate the same as with a friend, we can still communicate and we do so through, not only through our senses, but also our souls and hearts. Communication with God is what it is all about - no matter the devotion, the words or actions - it is all about communicating and getting closer to the God. I think I was far more prone to pray to fulfill a sense of obligation to say words, but now I still have an obligation and bound by promises to my bishop to pray, but it is to enrich my life and the life of the whole church. This God that I pray to is the same one you and everyone else prays to - there is only one God! The more I can pray and love God, the more I am connected to the God who loves all humanity which leads me to being more connected to them in love.

It is a huge web and nothing is autonomous or isolated from another. My prayer life cannot not affect my relationship with God. My relationship with God cannot not affect my relationship to humanity. My relationship to humanity cannot not affect my relationship with God...and so on! (I know I used double negatives... I can't not resist)

I hope that wasn't too broad or too much, but my early reflections on this past phase of my life has made me initially see that fundamental growth and awareness has taken place.
As I move forward, especially in these next four weeks before priestly ordination, I will be reflecting a lot on what all this means to be called to the priesthood and to grow in maturity within the context of God...

Seminarian to Deacon

On the last evening of my fall break this past week I had to opportunity to visit St Mark seminary where I was for my first years of formation. Those years were a time of incredible growth in all areas of my life and where I really was able to hone in on God calling me to the priesthood.

It is not a big and sprawling seminary, at most in my time I think we had about 14 guys, so community life was great and you could get to know your brother seminarians well. Looking back on those years, I realize that I miss the community life and the formation program - I wish every seminarian could experience life in a small minor seminary like it. Being in major seminary now for almost 4 years, I realize how much of an impact it had on me and how well it formed me and prepared me for, not only theology, but for my current ministry as a deacon. The God I know and love and desire to share with others I really got to know in my time there.

I had the opportunity to deacon at mass and join them for dinner before I got on the road to come back to school. It was the strangest feeling and experience to be a deacon in the chapel where I spent hundreds of hours in prayer and mass as a young seminarian and now visiting - vested and proclaiming the gospel - as a deacon! I was ordained a deacon in that chapel back in April - it is an icon and anchor of my vocation.

In talking with the guys after mass, I saw in them that same wonder and awe that I had about major seminary and how I would be preparing myself for ordination to the diaconate and, now as I inch closer, priesthood. It sparked in me a desire to reflect upon that myself and what advice would I give to the men moving ever closer to laying their lives down for God and His people.

First, I would say that you have to fall in love with God. This is sort of a pious cliche, but it is essential. For someone getting ready to move on to major seminary or is getting close to ordination, it is important to remember that you need to stop re-introducing yourself to God and come to know Him - thus love Him. I know this from my own spiritual journey that I would, for years, re-introduce myself every time I sat down to pray and act as if this was the first time I ever communicated with Christ or assumed that He knew nothing about me. You need to become familiar with Him and let Him be familiar with you - this is, for me, the only way to fall in love with God.

Secondly, you need to become comfortable with and know yourself. If you do not know yourself - your triggers, strengths, weaknesses, sins, wounds, joys and everything else - then you are setting yourself up for a hard road ahead. Your spiritual life, your ability to freely embrace celibacy and your ability to love others is going to be hindered if you do not know who you are. You cannot give yourself over to Christ and those whom you are called to serve if you don't know what you are giving them. Knowing yourself allows you to grow wholly and maturely.

A third and last point I want to make is that you need to have a sense of humor and a good worldview. Rigidity and stoicism is not the best approach to giving your life over to loving and serving God. We need to be people who see the world for what it is, who can see the greater plan of God at work, who can experience God in all of creation and who can be someone who people look to for God's love - We need to be that which the world often deprives us of. We need to be people of God and people of Love. When we seek to truly embody that then we become the most effective. I think we can easily isolate and push people away from God if we are not real.

These thoughts are perhaps too general, but they are true and essential. Yes we need to study and do our work, but that knowledge wont mean much if we haven't worked on improving ourselves and our relationships with others and with Christ. The kernel of it all is Love, let love be your guide.

4th Theology

It has come!

After seven years of seminary formation, I am now in the infamous 4th Theology year of seminary. I am a transitional deacon and only a matter of months away from the priesthood.

When you are young and starting out in the seminary, you look at the 4th year men, the deacons, and view them as little less that immortal and privileged to be where they are. Being in their shoes was unimaginable reality, but now it is!

This semester I am taking courses geared heavily towards the practical and ministerial aspects of both the diaconate and the priesthood. Going back to the parish every weekend will be an invaluable lesson and enriching experience. I will be able to bring my experiences from my ministry in the parish back to class and synthesize everything and hear the experiences of my classmates.

I have a mixture of feelings and emotions. I am very anxious for this new seminary experince and being able to get back to the parish which I have come to love and feel at home at. It also excites me to think that this is my last year of school and seminary. It is rather intimidating though to think that within a matter of months, I will be assuming the role and responsibilities of the priesthood - it is getting real!

I was very anxious and antsy to be ordained a deacon. You wait years for it and you desire to do all that the deacon can do. Now that it is here, I am very content and peaceful in that I am now a deacon. I now have been entrusted with a lot and I am comfortable with waiting one more academic year for priesthood. I really want to take full advantage of what the diaconate can offer for me and how I can grow in this role.

Also, I see how awesome the responsibilities of being a deacon are and I appreciate the reminder prep time to get ready for the even more surmounting tasks and responsibilities entailed in the priesthood.

Let's crack open those books...for one last year!

Invitation to the priesthood

This is a video I watched a few months back and had it saved.

It's both motivating and awesome !