BE the change

In my senior year of high school, the senior class had to pick a quote to put in the yearbook underneath your photograph. It's an assignment that some take seriously, some view as an opportunity to be outlandish and others just refuse to submit anything. I was one who, in being someone who collected quotes, looked forward to this task for my entire senior year. The quote i picked is one I remember wanting to use for months, but where I found it, I cannot remember. It is a simple quote, one that many have probably heard, but is one that has stuck with me through now into my priesthood. The quote is:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

~Mahatma Gandhi 

I always envisioned myself being this renegade, this crusader who valiantly saved the world from every evil, war, pestilence and corrupt ideology - I wanted to embody that change to the point of affecting every aspect of the globe. These were high expectations, I knew, but I was able to see so many problems in the world and I intuitively knew solutions to all of them. There was almost nothing I didn't have a cure for or a method to get to the utopia we all yearn for. This yearning, this desire, came along with me into the priesthood.

All through the seminary, in varying degrees over time, being this salvific change was always on my mind and in my heart. Over the years of seminary and formation, it got tempered, but never left. As the days got closer and closer to priesthood, I began to see my desire to be the change I wished to see in the  world coming closer to fruition. 

I dont want you to get the wrong impression that I answered the call to the priesthood to change the world into my utopia, not even close. The priesthood is a vocation a man is called to by God and over years of formation and discernment he comes to say Yes to laying his self down for the love of the Church (to put it very simply). But there was always a little bit of "super hero"mentality that told me that perhaps you could "do" more when you're a priest. 

Being a priest now for just shy of 4 months, I see just how naive I was in interpreting Gandhi's words. 

Almost everyday now, as a priest, I am faced with a situation or scenario where I simply do not know what to do or how to solve the problems presented to me. I know what I want and what direction people should go in to solve the issues life has thrown at them, but how to do that, I don't always know. 

I want to solve everybody's problems, heal all their wounds, make all their demons go away, get them to good health - I want to be the one to give them the change they desire AND that is where I went wrong with that quote.

The sacrament of Orders gives a man a phenomenal amount of grace to live out this vocation (this is a topic too large for right now) and changes his very soul - BUT it doesn't make him Thor! As much as a man wants to DO something, he is called to BE CHRIST! 

Nothing you do as a priest, you do as yourself - it is a total unification to Christ and a total self gift to your love, your bride, the Church. When someone comes to the priest, they are coming to Christ. That is such an easy thing to say, but perhaps the biggest challenge -at least for me - of the priesthood. 

So how do I "be the change" I wish to see in the world? I simply have to be Christ. That can't be an excuse for laziness or passivity, it has to be a call to action - an action of the presence of Christ. The change I've been called to give is not the product of my physical skills, but that of my ontological change! The world will not and cannot be changed without Christ - period, end of the debate. No ideology or party or man can bring true change to the world - the change that satiates the desires of our souls - but the presence of God. Never has this been made clearer to me since becoming a priest.

So can priests not bring about change in the world? They most definitely can, but not in some Marvel Comic type of way. As a priest, when people come to you looking for health of mind, body and soul, they asking God to come to them, let them know they are loved and precious, let them know that they are not abandoned and that with Christ they will conquer anything. 

It is not my elbow grease, but my presence - my BEing that brings about that Change. The ministry of presence is perhaps the best agent for change. In bringing that presence of Christ out into the world, to people in despair, does the world slowly begin to change and turn towards God. The change I want in the world is Christ. It is ultimately for Christ to reign in the hearts of every man woman. It is for everyone to come to feel the beating of the heart of God. I cant DO this, but I can BE and stand witness to that change. I may not be able to cure the physical ailment, but I can show them Christ who desires to go through this pain with them. 

It is hard to internalize and live - it probably will take a lifetime to begin to fully understand. But, there has been nothing more beautiful and awesome than to be with people in their darkest and most vulnerable moments and be able to help them attain that change they desire - help them to see and know the love of God. 

A month and some days

I have been a priest now for over a month, and though that doesn't sound too spectacular, it has afforded me opportunities I've waited a lifetime to experience.

Mass


I am tempted to spew out a JBC style commentary on every liturgy I've celebrated and talk through all my thoughts, fears, reactions, feelings and bewilderments in celebrating the liturgy for they are numerous and varied. I will say though that many years of discernment and 8 years of seminary and all that it entailed was worth just one mass!

I have to admit that I haven't been able to internalize what I am 'supposed' to be feeling when I am celebrating mass. I felt incredibly out of place the first few weeks - that is becoming less so now now that I am getting into a routine at the parish. It's a funny thing: having the privilege to celebrate the mass is something I have been preparing for for many years, but to actually do it you see that it is something that one can never be fully prepared for. You prepare for the mechanics of it, you discern if you are called to the altar in that capacity, but you cannot prepare for the internal workings of the Spirit. To consecrate bread and wine so that is become the BODY AND BLOOD OF GOD is too great to "prepare for". I think that every day and every mass will unfold for me the reality that I am participating in and the sacrifice I am offering.

That being said, the liturgy- the mass - has a whole new and dynamic meaning for me now and my participation has changed, not only on the level of the obvious, but internally. I "feel" closer to what is going on and I can sense the reality of it all a little bit more - it is very REAL for me now in a way that perhaps was hidden from me before. In reflecting on this only a little, I don't think that you need to be ordained a priest to have your spiritual senses heightened to what is going on in the mass and to become more engaged in it on all levels. I really want to help my people experience the depths and beauties of this most awesome reality - the mass!

Confession


"Why me?"

That's all I can say. God has chosen me, a sinner, to be His priest and be a vessel of His Mercy and Love in the sacrament of penance. When the faithful come to the sacrament, they are not coming to talk to "Fr so-and-so", they are coming to talk to Christ. They need Christ to forgive them of their sins and to come back into a relationship with God characterized by mercy. It is nothing about me that has brought them to the sacrament for it is not ME forgiving them, but God through ME - powerful and mind-blowing!

This has been - second only to the mass - the greatest joy of mine these past few weeks of priesthood. This is where I the priest have an opportunity to intimately touch the wounded-ness of individuals and let the loving mercy of God touch their hearts and bring Life back into their souls.

Wow!

In general


"It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you". These words of Christ and the words of the God to Jeremiah "Before I formed you in to womb, I knew you... a prophet to the nations, I dedicated you" have been close to my heart recently. This may be more characteristic of the diocesan priesthood than religious priests, but I was ordained and sent to a parish to work. I am finding it very easy to think to myself "what can I do" "how can I make MY mark" I and ME has been punctuating my mind a lot and I need to draw my thoughts back to the beautiful words of scripture and remind myself that I am not in this for myself. I have been ordained to be a priest of Jesus Christ and thus I need to be the priest Jesus wants me to be, not the most successful on Brandon may want to be.

I am experiencing the beautiful and rich joys of the priesthood: celebrating mass, hearing confessions, visiting the hospital, anointing the sick, praying with the dying, visiting the homebound, being a fatherly figure to a parish and being  and bringing a unique presence of God in the midst of a community. I am also experiencing the challenges: how do I plug myself into a community, what does it mean to be a priest, how do I live this out, what am I supposed to be doing,  am I being a priest for Brandon or for Christ, how do I give myself totally over to this vocation and yet not burn out???

This is an amazing vocation and an amazingly complicated vocation (as they all are). I am very young in the priesthood, but I would have to say that it has all been worth it for even just one day of it!